Hey *burp* Morty, come here a minute. There’ s some thing I always *burp* wanted to tell you but I’ve always been too sober.
You’re the best, kid. You don’t even know your greatness. All the people in the world -what were we talking about?- I’m too drunk to… but anyway, Morty. I give you shit. I give you shit because I’m a fucking asshole. I’ve spent so many years getting kicked around by the bland and uninteresting sheeple of the world, and I take my shit out on you. That kind of doesn’t make me much better than them, does it? I know. God dammit, I know.
But Morty. No matter what I say or do, whatever asshole crap I pull.. I want you to know… every Morty is a future Rick. Do you feel stupid? Do you feel like you’ll never do anything important or be anyone important? That’s how I felt at your age. And I was wrong. I was wrong as fuck, Morty, and so are you.
I’ve got a lot of things to be ashamed of, Morty. I’ve done horrible things. I’ve ruined lives, I’ve destroyed planets. To tell you the truth, I don’t really give a shit. I’ve never felt bad about it. But when I think about how you must have felt all the times I said horrible things to you… that’s when I felt bad, Morty. I’d never admit it sober, but… all Ricks hate themselves. It’s not because of the alcohol, or the wars, or the reckless disregard for others… it’s because of how we treated you, Morty. If there was just some magical way we could make up for it all… but we can’t. I can do almost anything. I can bring empires to ruin and reshape the cosmos in a reflection of my malevolent will, but I can’t undo the horrible things I’ve said and done to you, Morty. For that, Grandpa Rick will always be sorry.
But I want you to know one thing, Morty. Summer. Beth. Snoop Snoops, Mr. Poopy Butthole….
For all I control everything, for all I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, take whatever I want… What I wish most in all the world is that… God…. I wish, with everything in me, that I could be like you.
I love you, Morty. Be good. Be better than me.